Who are you again?

People change, I changed, You changed.

Empty.

Do you ever feel empty? Feel like you've got nothing to love and nothing to look forward to, but for no reason?

I feel like that right now.
I don't know why...
I have amazing friends and i have some sweet stuff to look forward to but right at this moment i just cant feel it.
I've just got that gut instinct that's like "this sucks."
I think i just kinda need something to spice shit up at the moment.
Life's pretty much doing loops for me.
The same old mediocre average life of a teenager rolls up each weekend at the same station.
I'm not complaining, it isn't a bad life.
But as i said,
It could use some spicing up,
Something extreme, something out of the ordinary, something special.
I want to go on a holiday.
I want to meet some new people.
I want to do something exciting.

Unfortunately want is a few steps away from achievement so I actually have to put some effort into the goals I want to achieve.

The past two days have gone past so fast. Feels like the moment i shut my eyes i'm missing out on something.

I’ve come to realise how many friends of mine have been a waste of time. The thought of how much i put into friendships and how little i get back. My patience is finally spent. The down side of this is that I have no fuse now and just lash out at the wrong people at times. I know sometimes my opinions aren’t appreciated and people want to have their say and not want my input but i will not sit back n watch someone talk absolute crap on me or friends of mine or even twist a statement I have voiced.

The theory of “eye for an eye” and “tit for tat” is pissing me off. If someone does the wrong thing they should just admit to fault and apologize for their actions and not commit the same mistake again. There is no need for perpetual abuse or threats. Sick of all these people taking it upon themselves to solve other peoples problems by means of violence. I’ve been at fault many times n said things that shouldn’t be said but that's my own choice to voice my opinion and i have been pulled up by others many a time for having said the wrong thing. At the end of the day if it offends or someone is left bitter so be it! I'm not here to be everyone’s friend. If I dislike someone or disagree with anothers actions that's a normal logical thing and its my personal view cause not everyone thinks every aspect of another is perfect. I know some people who cant stand straight edge but i don't go around picking fights with them or pushing threats. Everyone was made different for a reason and that is through the choices one makes.

“Coming to terms with the lessons one learns, through the choices one makes is not easy”

Straight Edge

Straight Edge is the oath that separates me from the strife and self-destruction that plague the masses in our society.
Straight Edge to me is more than a lifestyle. It is a vehicle for change.
To it I will be forever true.


Sick of having people question my motives, or look down on me for my choices.
No way should I have to justify my life decisions and morals which equate to so much more than you could ever think of yourself.

Not being stuck up or close minded, but to put it out there, yes I do think I'm better than you for the choices I make.

My Greatest Wish

It is my greatest wish that people who I get to meet, become friends with, forge relationships and bonds of any description, will feel deep down, some small warmth at the mention of my name and the memories that we've made.

I just want, like everyone else, to be loved.

Said and Done.

the happiest i ever was, in between the sheets in your arms, ill never forget the days we used to sneak away together, although its been months, it's been days, its all i will remember.

but you know, i'm over you...

I suggest

I've really had it with the rain of the tears
The predictable storm that has come every year
And it sneaks in from shore with a bat in its hand
I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I can't
You're a thief and a witch but I love you to death
You steal my heart and curse under your breath
But the one thing that I can most willingly prove
That when you are gone I'll be fine without you





if you’re feeling a little bit sad or uptight and just can’t let go of everything your holding onto inside, i suggest buying angels and airwaves 'we don't need to whisper'.

Kiss & Catch.

some days i think i should try and play hard to get and learn to forget how easy i’d be to catch.

Distraction.

First blog post in a while which isn't going to be symbolic of anything, just upfront 100% on how i feel at the moment.
Right now I'm not feeling to great, every now and then I feel like im drifting away from friends,family etc.
I don't feel wanted or needed amongst many people of whom I'd like to.
I don't want to go through all this again, just no one seems interested in what I have to offer.
I fall for people way too frequently, and let them in on an even more frequent basis.
People bore me too much, Nothing personal, I lose interest quickly.
Not even sure which direction I'm taking this post in. Just needed to get all this off my chest, and with no one I can really talk to about things anymore...

One of my closest friends of the last few years is getting to me lately too. Dosen't seem to matter what i'm talking about, from tattoos to computers, place of work to moving out of home and relationships. There's always her telling me that its not good or playing it down alot. I'm sick of it, I'm getting to the point of not wanting to talk to her because I know whats coming.

I really just want to get away. I wish I never moved out of home in the first place. Not regretting it, Just felt like a waste of time, I left everything behind and now its hard to fit myself back into work for one. I don't feel like i'm welcome anymore. I've lost alot of friendships with people I worked with because they've grown and left me behind, which i always feel like was happening to me in school.

I hate feeling down.
Really need someone to cheer me up.
Thats all.

My wandering heart.

cancel that last post.
need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve.
letting love come to me for once.

awww shit.

i'm falling hard for someone.
not cool.

Reality.

Grey became the colour of my sight and i took my heart off my sleeve and pushed it deep down into my chest. I realised it can only be hidden for so long before it is undeniably, secretly (let itself out) exposed again.
Thought is the antithesis of emotion i think, think about irrationality of emotion all you want but there is no denying of them, at all.
There is no deprivation just a feeling that stares so piercingly blunt into your heart. Eventually everything becomes clear but the process cannot be skipped, you cannot cheat.
Can you ever escape damnation and hell – the inevitable emptiness that accompanies the promise you make to yourself?

A Note, For You.

I deeply believe that you and i share a certain kind of wonderful bond but when it comes to truly thinking about it, it appears to be the loneliness that thrives for comfort within us.

Are we easy targets, or is it the fact that you are copious amounts of all I’ve ever hoped and dreamt to be found in another human being, of which i could easily concrete my love inside?

During my day-to-day agenda my mind often doesn’t stick to the activities which were planned, instead my mind rapidly wanders off to the places you and i speak of, of the times we want to spend together.

I’m never going to be able to turn my thoughts into speech, so just know this;
You’re extraordinary and i could really grow to love you immensely.

I wish

I listened to my own advice.

She Never Understood.

A friend of mine asked me, out of the blue whether or not I thought of myself as a ‘quitter’. Although i knew what she was referring to, i just had to ask what she had meant just so i could explore her explanation. She mumbled out “You gave up on love after two years, what if it was about to reach you?”. My answer didn't stumble out, it was blurted out. All i could reply to her with was whoever i was waiting for just wasn't coming, that i had tried everything for him to love me and he, well, just couldn't. I’m not a quitter at all and I never saw myself as one, but someone who wanted to be happy without love and carry on hoping for someone else to love me.

You said goodbye.

Never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting.

Wake Up.

Dont bother with me, im as unrealistic as i seem.
Yes, i do live in my dreams, nothing else is real.
This is the way it’s gonna’ be.

Faithless and Weightless.

I am nothing without you.

Explanation.

The melodramatic waves that are carried around everywhere inside my pockets are not for sympathy but for something far from it. I am constantly engaged in a difficult search for something positive to take, to help deteriorate the pain i possess. As if it were a lolly, shrinking in size by melting in your jean pocket during its half-weekly wash.

I’m using this cycle as a seemingly-happy search for aliveness as a way to renew my broken heart.

ps. Claire is this less depressing for you?

Truth Be Told

Recent Bio

Negativity is seeping into my mind so rapidly lately that I’m starting to grow insane from knowing but not controlling it. Its feeling like isolation and hate kindling into a heart-shaped ball. I dont believe I’ve ever grown this cold or been so uncontrolably self uncontrolable, ha. It’s bugging me severly although I know it’s one of those stages where it’ll pass through even more quickly then it came and stayed.

“Everything blows over eventually”

I loved you

But I left you anyway...

Now you will never know.

But now I'm done and gone.

Too bad for you.

What I wouldn't give...

Stamps cover pages, he has been chasing for months, strange citys, earie towns, dark streets, lonely nights. Echoeing foot steps in a desolate mind, one track mind, only thing he thinks about. Visions cut in and out, gives meaning to this veladrome of a life, its further and further everyday, stamps accumulate. Continually he chases, what he so longs for. She doesnt say a word, he believes he is the only one holding these stamp covered feelings. He try’s to express his feelings, he thought it would be easier but he became lost for words, she looks at his tired wasted soul as he stands slumped with regret in his eyes. She smiles and says “I love you”, he is in disbelieve as he looks up and into her dark street like eyes, the same ones he fell in love with, they scream help me more then anywords ever could, he is stunned not knowing how to react, he smiles as she reach’s in to kiss, stunned he kisses her and all the months of travel and chasing becomes nothing but a day of bliss, they both know without saying a word that they mean the world to one another and need each other for this world they live in isnt for them but they must fight on walk on move on, make new memories.

true love is found

heaven knows i’m miserable now

You might have loved me, if you had known me. If you had ever known my mind. If you would have walked through my dreams and memories. Who knows what treasures you might have found. Yes, you might have loved me. If you had only taken the time...

Thinking.

Thinking about quite alot today.
Forgot all about this blogspot.
Using it as a personal twitter I guess.
Highly doubt anyone will read my thoughts on here.

Realise.

why am i making this hard on myself, when there’s so many beautiful reasons i have to be happy.

Bio.

I haven’t got a hope in the world for anything nor any aspirations. I’m untidy and the mess is hidden under my bed, I’m still as heartbroken as i was two years back. Loveless, inspirationless, lonely and unsleepable.

Blank.

I feel like the whole worlds gone cold, I feel that there is no air left to breath, no reason to smile, to shower. to drink or to say cheers. I feel like this world is one large game of musical chairs, the music just wont stop right now, but when it does, I hope I'm not the last to find my way home. I wish that I could still wake up before lunch, or smile before dawn. I wish I could remember who I was to who I am from when I'm born. I forget how to fit this puzzle. The mould has been set, the cast iron bar has been placed though the doors of my own plight to gain significance, instead I've fooled my self with ignorance of another's indifference to believe I'm worth anything more than the bed that I sleep on or the moment I meet someone. But isn't that what it is to feel lonely, am I really innocent, well I haven't yet been proven guilty, but that's not much to really go by is it? I keep having these re-occurring flavors of dream. They weave through my iris and paint my mind fresh again and its raining. It's raining for forgiveness and motive, its staring back at me through the mirror. I've always wondered that if I had been born a ghost, not of who I was, before I was conceived, but the shadow of you, before I'd actually seen you. Before I'd realized that no matter how hard I try and fake my own reality. I'm bound and blinded and been force-fed an identity.

Not really in the mood for anything today.

It has been a long time coming.

No i havent forgot about this blog, just really havent had the time to post anything.
Everything has been so chaotic lately, I've moved out of home and had a few minor upsets with Owen.
Its our two year anniversary next month and i have no idea what we are doing for it, I really would have liked to have been able to go away for the weekend and just spend sometime together but unfortunately i havent been able to find a job thus far being down here, It hasnt been the fact that i havent put any resumes in either. Just no where is looking.
I put it in at a bakery which also makes coffees and teas today, im pretty hopefull for that, but i don't want to get ahead of myself incase it falls through.
Owen is at work at the moment and im drinking alone in his room, im so pathetic.
I really need to learn to stay away from vodka, im fine until someone asks if i want something to drink.
I dont really have anything else to update on right now.
I'm on stickam now too so if you happen to have an account you should add me on it. The user name is just ashleyxforsyth because i have little to no creativity. I'll also start posting pointless random facts again soon too, Sorry about the no updates as of late.
ps. sorry for typos and bad grammar

Drained.

Absolutely tired right now, I had to get up at 3:30am this morning to get ready for work. The day went all downhill from there. Had to train a new girl at work for front open, she barely paid any attention to what I was telling her, so I guess its fair to say I did two opens today. From there it was full busy in café, I made easily six toasted sandwiches within the first two hours, on top of so many coffees. Got sick of everyone walking off today leaving only Shailee and I to serve and clean up.
I'm telling Rod about leaving on my shift on Wednesday, as I still haven't got around to it, he's always busy or pretending whichever.
Anyway as I was saying worst day, the 11:30 starter didn't come in, didn't bother calling up sick either, reckoned that she didn't know that she was working. I'm going to be pretty pissed off if she doesn't get yelled at or whatever seeing as though I got all my shifts cancelled last week for the same thing, even though work knew I was sick the preceding days. So over work and the favouritism and shit that goes on.
So I had to stay back, not that I minded because the bus didn't come till quarter past anyway and I for once really need the money. Now I'm completely drained, wanting an early nights sleep but I really want to talk to Owen even though I am struggling to keep my eyes open right now and it is only 5:30.
Glad I have a day off tomorrow, nothing planned at all, just want to sleep in. I don't have another day off until Sunday after this. I'm going to be sore,tired and bitchy Sunday. Any bet I'll have a whole heap of shifts next week too. I can't work the weekend though because Owen comes up. So excited I can't wait just to kiss him again, He is the single most amazing person I have ever met, even though I treat him like shit most of the time.
I stayed out at Jakes the other night, Heaps disappointed, Didn't like the fact that I was mainly only invited so that Claire could use me as a means of lying to both Matt and her parents.
I got so sick from eating cheese off the pizza, and was denied going to the bathroom because they were mucking around down there for the past two hours, Was really pissed off and I don't care if either of them are reading this.
Wasted a night and an entire day seeing as though I didn't get home until seven, only went though because it would be the last time I would see Claire before I moved, Too bad she wasted half the night being all over Jake when she is meant to be with Matt, a point raised by both Danni and I.
Really should stop typing.

Flamingos.

Flamingos are only pink because they eat shrimp, the more shrimp they eat the brighter their feathers become. This happens because of high amounts of bacteria inside the shrimp. 

Flamingos that lack in colour are usually malnourished, unhealthy or still young. Flamingos in zoos are fed a lot more fish and less shrimp hence why they are a paler shade of pink. 

content.

Today was great, I went down to work and collected my hours. I didn't get to speak to Rod about the transfer but I got to speak to a lot of people that I'm fairly close to.

I got the review done and out of the way too, did really good in it. Tory said it was one of the best reviews he's written.

Got proper shifts too that start next week. No more late nights for a while seeing as though the majority of them are opens. 4 a.m. wake ups and 5 a.m. starts. Pretty much going to die, I haven't been up that early since mid November, Owen got me into sleeping in.

Next weeks shifts are as follows.

Monday 9th: 5 a.m. - 11:30 a.m. (Mc Café)

Wednesday 11th: 12 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. (Mc Café) 

Thursday 12th: 5 a.m. - 11:30 a.m. (Mc Café)

Friday 13th: 5 a.m. - 1:00 p.m. (Front area)

Saturday 14th: 5 a.m. - 12:00 p.m. (Mc Café)

After next week only one more week of working here, and then Owen comes up on the 21st and Soundwave on the 22nd. Then Underoath is on the 26th. So excited, going to be my 5th time seeing them. Still annoyed about the Jaguar Love show, not the fact that it's over eighteens, more because its at Campbelltown. 

I guess that's all for now. 

Gastropods.

I know I have never asked myself this question but 'What is a gastropod'

A4O. says:
without looking it up, what do you think a gastropod is?
Mike - There's a million things you can do with a bike light says:
something made by apple to help gastro

A very incorrect answer, It's actually a slug.
It can be a snail too, gastropod is just the family grouping.

On to the actual point of this post though,
Slugs have 4 noses and have both male and female genitalia.
Upon searching gastropod on wikipedia, I have also became aware that they chew off their penis after engaging in intercourse if they cannot free themselves, this than rids them of being both sexes and forces them to become only female.
Who would have thought.

The mona lisa has no eyebrows

yeah, no eyebrows.

First post.

Finally got around to creating a new journal space, I've honestly been contemplating it for the past few months with the dramas and daily drab that have been going on in and around my life.
Basically I'll just post thoughts that are on my mind or about occurrences in my day.

I'm getting ready to move in with my long term boyfriend in the next few weeks. The reality of it all is beginning to hit me. I can't imagine myself not seeing my family everyday or having so much more responsibility, seeing as though for the past nineteen years my parents have been doing everything for me maybe a little too much.
So on the note of moving I've had to arrange a job to go to, I've chose just to stay with McDonalds for the time being, Not because I want to. Just because its the easiest way to go about it. I won't get yelled at as much as I would if I was leaving my current job as I am simply getting a transfer rather than leaving all together. I'm too much of a sook to leave all together and stand there while I have Rod, my boss go off his head at me.
While on the topic of work, I have only two weeks working at maccas up here. It's going to be sad leaving, I've formed relationships with the most unlikely of people while being there and I'm going to miss them all.

This time of year always upsets me, everyone going back to school. I really wish I hadn't dropped out. I miss having a routine everyday and not having the problems that I face now that I work 38 hours a week and wake at 4am every day. I barely see any of my school friends anymore, that's slightly depressing in itself, seeing as though I used to see them 5 days a week.
I'm actually seeing Claire (probably my closest friend from school) this friday, we're going out to Jakes new house to just hang out. Danni is coming over after she finishes school and I think a few others that I don't know.
Anyway this post has gone on too long, I didn't anticipate writing this much,
I just got rambling